I’m catching myself in a bad habit lately. Totally non-“Chinese Mother.” It’s a little sad to admit actually. I find myself answering the kid’s trivial questions with “I don’t care.” Jack will ask, “Dad, can I have a soda?” Me, “I don’t care.” Yesterday, Bizzy and I had a disagreement about whether or not she should attend Field Hockey training. Her claim was attending would impact her ability to complete the “ton” of homework she had last night. We battled. Finally, I said, “I don’t care. You are mature enough to make the right decision.” She accused me of playing her. She said, “Of course, you care. This is how you get me to go.” So, not only am I telling her I don’t care, but I’m also a manipulator. Nice. Crappy Dad. Despite the increasing frequency of my careless statement and my self-flagellation for using it, I felt certain that my regular exhibitions of caring would out weigh my occasional throw away statements. But, I had to be sure. So I went to the web and found the “150 Ways to Show Kids You Care” by Jolene Roehlkepatain. I did a self-review and I’m sharing my results with you. Bold text represents a successfully demonstrated caring behavior. Normal text is an occasional exhibition of caring. Italicized text is a method I have not successfully demonstrated. Some actions are accompanied by additional commentary. If you’re not really interested in the assessment, you can scroll through to #80 (though if you’re a parent, you may get some benefit from scanning the list).
1. Notice them.
2. Smile a lot.
3. Acknowledge them.
5. Seek them out. (Is it caring if I seek them out to pick up their crap?)
6. Remember their birthday. (I have alerts on my calendar)
7. Ask them about themselves
8. Look in their eyes when you talk to them.
9. Listen to them.
10. Play with them.
11. Read aloud together. (Hate reading aloud and they are old enough that this is a non-factor)
12. Giggle together. (I don’t giggle)
13. Be nice. (Especially when Jack is doing his homework)
14. Say yes a lot. (I’m a sucker…I say yes or I don’t care, which is basically yes…A problem)
15. Tell them their feelings are okay. (The girls don’t talk to me much about feelings)
16. Set boundaries that keep them safe. (I want them to be safe but I don’t want them to be afraid of the world)
17. Be honest.
18. Be yourself.
19. Listen to their stories. (I listen…Don’t always get all the details)
20. Hug them. (Creeps the girls out)
21. Forget your worries sometimes and concentrate only on them. (They are my only worries)
22. Notice when they’re acting differently.
23. Present options when they seek your counsel. (Katie usually doesn’t like my options)
24. Play outside together.
25. Surprise them.
26. Stay with them when they’re afraid. (Can’t they suck it up?)
28. Suggest better behaviors when they act out. (My “suggestions” are usually loud and ugly)
30. Delight in their discoveries.
31. Share their excitement.
32. Send them a letter or postcard. (They don’t know what a letter or postcard is…email, text, inbox)
33. Follow them when they lead.
34. Notice when they’re absent. (Can’t help noticing…It gets so quiet)
35. Call them to say hello.
36. Hide surprises for them to find.
37. Give them space when they need it.
38. Contribute to their collections.
39. Discuss their dreams and nightmares.
40. Laugh at their jokes.
41. Be relaxed.
42. Kneel, squat, or sit so you’re at their eye level.
43. Answer their questions. (They like asking questions…Do my best…Though Jack continuously asks many tough one like “Who was the QB when the Lions went 0-16?”)
44. Tell them how terrific they are.
45. Create a tradition with them and keep it.
46. Learn what they have to teach. (I’m open)
47. Use your ears more than your mouth. (Depends what my ears are hearin’)
48. Make yourself available.
49. Show up at their concerts, games, and events. (Ultimate display of caring…Some of these events are painful)
50. Find a common interest.
51. Hold hands during a walk.
52. Apologize when you’ve done something wrong. (Doesn’t happen very often)
53. Listen to their favorite music with them. (Though they think this is creepy, too)
54. Keep the promises you make. (Big promises or little ones?)
55. Wave and smile when you part. (Kinda goofy…I throw up a peace sign)
56. Display their artwork in your home.
57. Thank them.
58. Point out what you like about them.
59. Clip magazine pictures or articles that interest them. (Emails and texts too…Though they don’t always read them)
60. Give them lots of compliments.
61. Catch them doing something right.
62. Encourage win-win solutions.
63. Give them your undivided attention.
64. Ask for their opinion.
65. Have fun together.
66. Be curious with them.
68. Tell them how much you like being with them.
69. Let them solve most of their own problems. (Giddy up!)
70. Meet their friends.
72. Let them tell you how they feel.
73. Help them become an expert at something. (This tough…I’m an expert at nothing)
74. Be excited when you see them.
75. Tell them about yourself. (They feign interest)
76. Let them act their age.
77. Praise more; criticize less. (Tough one…Jack called me the Chinese Dad the other day)
78. Be consistent.
79. Admit when you make a mistake.
80. Enjoy your time together.
This exercise is getting brutal. If you have read this far and are still interested in numbers 81-131, you’ll have to click on the hyperlink above for the full list. I felt vindicated around caring act #25. Of course, I care and I show it. So, all I need to do is conquer my tendency to use that phrase. And, as far as, a list of 150 ways to show you care, it’s a little excessive, isn’t it?. #150 below captures it all.
132. Build something together. (I can’t build)
133. Encourage them to think big.
134. Celebrate their firsts and lasts, such as the first day of school.
135. Go places together.
136. Welcome their suggestions.
139. Help them learn from mistakes.
140. Be sincere.
141. Introduce them to people of excellence.
142. Tell them what you expect of them.
144. Introduce them to new experiences.
145. Share a meal together. (Dedicated to our Family Dinners)
146. Talk directly together.
147. Be spontaneous.
148. Expect their best; don’t expect perfection. (The Chinese Mother wouldn’t like this one!)
149. Empower them to help and be themselves.
150. Love them, no matter what.
Anything you would add to the list?
Wow….never saw this before…I’m going to take this quiz along with wife. We have one guy left in the house…he’s 17 and gonna be headed to school here pretty soon. Good for you…you do a lot. Nice. I like #150 the most.
Frank Roche recently posted..The Value of a Manager Who Insists on Hard Work
I’m reading through again…man, this is engagement in a nutshell. This is it.
Glad you liked the list, Frank. Remember, it is a self-assessment. My oldest, Katie, 16, told me she thought the post was weird and creepy (though she couldn’t articulate weird). I asked her to grade me but she kept saying creepy. Based on your Sheryl post today and your previous posts, I can only assume that the two of you will grade high. And, yes, it is all about #150!
Thanks for sharing this Shaun. With all that we have been experiencing recently, I have been feeling like I haven’t been there enough for my kids. But as I looked through the list I feel OK about my efforts. One thing I was wondering, is the reason you didn’t post 81-130 because those were italicized? You’re a great dad and your kids know it!
Nice, Barb…You got me laughing…I actually debated finishing the list fearing someone might call me out…But the list is so long…I figured I could some caring rather keep going through the list…Thanks for the compliment and, again, I’m sorry for your loss.
You do giggle, although it may be a “man giggle” and sitting around the fire pit having a glass a wine is not considered “playing outside together” (see #24). That being said, I agree with Barb – you’re a great dad!
Cindy…Kennedy says I giggle, too…You’re in good company…Nice dig and compliment….Thanks…I have been known to kick the ball around a little bit after a couple of cocktails….Does that count?